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The humorous things thread
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Dy.laneA
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 10:29 am    Post subject: The humorous things thread  Reply with quote

A place to show off all the things that bring the well needed lols in our lives.
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Last edited by Dy.laneA on Mon Sep 01, 2008 10:31 am; edited 1 time in total
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Dy.laneA
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 10:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

http://www.newgrounds.com/collection/awesome.html
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Janny
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 2:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some random funnies and a long joke. Hope these will get some laughs ^_^


You know you're old when. . .

Going to the bathroom at night used to require shoes, a candle and a corn cob.
Your bifocals need bifocals.
A passing funeral procession pauses to see if you need a lift.
You often repeat things...You often repeat things... You often repeat things...
You reach the toilet you forgot what you wanted to do.
Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable under your armpits.  

------------------------

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
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Junpei
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was barely sitting down at the airport washroom, when I heard a voice from the other bog saying, “Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fine!”

And the other person says, “So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!”

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. “Can I come over?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them “No……..I’m a little busy right now!!”

Then I hear the person say nervously, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other cubicle who keeps trying to talk to me.”


------------------------


A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by a very old Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

“I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old given her father’s age, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well, that’s pretty pathetic,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the large rock, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.” In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”
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Junpei
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know you live in 2008 when...


1. You go to a party, sit down and take MySpace pics.




2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.




3. The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have AIM/LiveJournal/MySpace.




4. You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.




6. Your evening activity is sitting at the computer.




7. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.




8. You think about how stupid you are for reading this.




9. You were too busy to notice number five.




10. You actually scrolled back up to check if there was a number five.




11. And now you're laughing at your stupidity.
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Dy.laneA
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Janny wrote:
Some random funnies and a long joke. Hope these will get some laughs ^_^


You know you're old when. . .

Going to the bathroom at night used to require shoes, a candle and a corn cob.
Your bifocals need bifocals.
A passing funeral procession pauses to see if you need a lift.
You often repeat things...You often repeat things... You often repeat things...
You reach the toilet you forgot what you wanted to do.
Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable under your armpits.  

------------------------

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."


I was laughing extremly hard! Though I'm a little wierd when it's night and I'm alone in my basement.
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Dy.laneA
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Joined: 27 Jan 2008
Posts: 825



PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 10:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Junpei wrote:


A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by a very old Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

“I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old given her father’s age, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well, that’s pretty pathetic,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the large rock, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.” In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”


That made me whince.
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Janny
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Location: Romania

PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 10:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
7. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.

Lol, I WAS actually smiling and nodding along!

---

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure, don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"
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Dy.laneA
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 10:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Junpei wrote:

10. You actually scrolled back up to check if there was a number five.


I see what you did there...
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Junpei
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Location: Australia

PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have a ton of these kind of jokes stored away haha.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your boobs dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

----------

A wife answers the door bell and a man asks her, "Lady, do you have a vagina?" and she slams the door shut. The next day the wife answers the door bell and its the same guy and he asks her, "Lady, do you have a vagina?" and she slams the door shut.
The woman tells her husband about the guy and he says he will stay home from work the next day and this time she should tell the man she has a vagina and see what happens. The door bell rings, the woman answers the door, the man asks, "Lady do you have a vagina?" to which she says, "Yes, I do."
The man then tells her, "Well then tell your husband to make use of it and stay away from my wife."

----------

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"

"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed."

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