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Dy.laneA
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 12:53 am    Post subject:  Reply with quote

Odd..
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Laz
Laz


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 4:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well ... as long as they aren't big lies Smile

Laz
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Dy.laneA
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 5:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I started writing this 2 weeks ago as a gift for a friend of mine it has come along way! I have the first two part's of the story finished but there's one more I havnt wrote yet, how ever I know exactly what happens for the most part haha.


Please tell me where I went wrong and right! I'm sure there grammer mistakes haha!

It's called 12 Mile Cooly

I felt exhausted, as I stepped off my bicycle.
Droplets of sweat rolled down my lightly tanned neck as I slowly caught
back the breath I had lost during my morning bike ride. I walked towards
a faucet beside my house and splashed it’s water on my face and refilled
my water bottles.
With all of that out of the way I placed them inside my pack on the side of
my bike and turned towards my veranda. I pulled my way up the steps
and then sank back as far as I could into a particular wicker chair I used
for my enjoyment.

It was unusually hot for a summer day; the things around me
reflected their thoughts of it to me. I sighed at their words, the heat was
uncomforting and drained me. However conveniently placed buckets of
water can ease the heat when poured on someone. A little handwritten
note on the bucket read that, my older sister’s statement made me laugh.
So I did just that!

My small, slender fingers ran across my forehead taking away
built-up sweat as I lifted my body towards a bus stop just down the street
from my home.
“Oh- it’s not here.”
I explained to my self with relief and sank back into the chair as far as I
could.

I had plans far from commuting on the bus, and no expectations of a
familiar face exiting it. I just told my self I would start again when it drove by. My own pre set alarm clock.

Manicuring my dark blue fingernails I wondered where I would be
next year. Being 14 year’s old I was entering high school at the end of
summer.
I did not think much of this feat, nor did I have a particular vision of my
self in what felt like a distant future. But I felt is was best to take things
just one step at a time; there was only enough daylight for that.

With the thought of joining some various sports teams I began to
condition my body this past week. I giggled at the thought of what my
friends would think once they saw me at the end of the summer. The last
thing they’d expect was for me to join a sport’s team being the small girl
that I was.

I smiled

But, my smile quickly faded as my phone rang, I was receiving a
message that I had no intent of reading. His face still lingered in my since
I had saw him just the week before as we graduated from Jr.High school.

Anxiety began to grow on me, I questioned what I was doing, what I
was waiting for. Waiting for the bus had become a tedious task. My eye’s
trembled under the anxiety.
“I-I think ill just leave… yeah” I said and eyed my bike in a tentative
matter and returned to it.

I picked up my bike from the lawn gently then hesitated, The air
seemed different now, it felt heavy, the sun beat down on my body from
it’s high point in the sky.
I shifted uncomfortable. I wondered where the shade was, and looked
around. A troubled breath exited my body trying to dispel the anxiety
which lingered in my mind my.
No particular shade was around me.

For a moment I contemplated forgetting about training today and
just return inside, but I did not want to waste the day. “I can’t waste the
day”. My mind was simple enough to follow this and I got on my bike and
kicked off, leaving my feelings behind.

Time passed and my body was now heavy with sweat, trying to fight
the sweltering heat in the air, and my body.

The foothills slowly rolled across the plains around me as I rode down the
12 mile coulee not to far from my home.

With just plain sight alone I felt like my vision could reach out forever over
the landscape, however I knew it was much larger then what my eye’s
could see.

Large enough that I felt that it could almost be endless on it’s own.
Let alone the void that blanketed the space above the sky. Things that I
could never reach, things we could never reach.

With exhaustion in my heavy breath the normal sounds one hears
were drowned out. I hit my breaks and slowly came to a stop and stepped
off onto the side of the rode with only water on my mind.

Sweat trickled down my face which salted the water that I poured on my face.

I was on my last bottle, I brought several that I carried in a sack on the
side of my bike. I had brought enough to keep me alive for several hours
in the heat.
I squirted more onto my face and ran my hands though my short, thick
brown hair.
The water slowly dripped off my face and onto my chest, at least what I
had for a chest.

My phone rang, and I knew it was him.

I wished for it not to ring that way, each ring seemed to hang thick in
the air around me, raising anxiety.
Soon my mind was filled with thoughts,
thought’s to plague my mind of how much of a hesitant girl I was, never
knowing where I was going, unable of knowing what to do when time calls
for knowing.

Time came to fast for me, there’s not enough, I don’t have enough.

“I don’t have enough.”


I let go of my bicycle and it crashed onto the hot pathment beneath
me spilling what was left in my bottle. I could not hold onto in any longer,
I began to whimper. I griped my phone as hard as I could, my knuckles
turned to white.

Tear’s began to well up in my eyes, my face trembled, I shut my
eyes as hard as I could biting my lip.

Everything stopped-

“Please, just forget me.”

I broke down, I wanted more then anything to reply but my heart
told me I could not. It told me what he was doing was wrong, unethical.
I couldn’t let him do it.

So I began to ignore him, hoping he would just forget me. Pushing him
away had to have been the hardest thing I had ever done, the hardest
thing in the world.
His face still burned freshly in my mind, I think I loved him.

Though I was unable to tell him, I did not want to tell him.

Small dark clouds began to dot the sky’s around me and still with blurred
vision I began my return home.


Summery of ending

The main character named Salem is rideing home down the coolly she is now wishing for water and here’s a call from behindher. This guy who’s name I have undisided but a common name has called her over to where he is.

He saw her rideing by.

They sit under a tree in front of his backyard, his backyard faces the coolly.

They talk about something this will add to the story but seems casual. I will keep in mind that in my mind this guy has a crush on her but I’m not putting that out there to see.
Basically if you want him to you will be able to see it that way easily.

Anyways he’s called inside to do something and he’s sorry to her but she’s ok with it.

The motive’s spoken of earlier are expanded as she explains them through houses she see’s off in the distance and trys to realte them to her self, these thoughts turn into thoughts about the guy she’s ignoreing.

A more detailed explanation of what’s happening between them is told.

It starts raining heavily but the rain drops feel light and warm as well it’s still sunny, it’s not completely over cast.

It’s helps “cool” salem off. (the uncomforting heat is gone)

The rain rain helps confort her and the landscape looks truly beautifle now she’s enthralled and stands up gazeing out into it in wonder.

The boy relizes she’s out in the rain.

He runs out and noware both standing there.

He invites her inside her house and she accpepts

The rain stops

Both walk inside she looks back from where she came from and now a rainbow is there. She smiles and says somethgn that will satify I hope not sure at this point and walks inside.
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Junpei
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Location: Australia

PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 9:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was pretty good. The thing about your writing seem to have a little too much detail it seems, I suggest you should "loosen up" a bit instead of always using solid deep words to give some enjoyment to the reader.

Just picked out a spelling mistake. breaks > brakes

I don't have anything else to criticise on apart from that, like I said, it was good and I enjoyed it.
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Dy.laneA
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 1:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yaya I think I know what you mean, I read it over before I went to bead and was thinking about how I was doing something wrong in some area. But I woke up and I had on my mind that I had to much. Thanks fgor the comments Junpei ill try and fix it up and show it to you again.
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Junpei
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 8:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

In the meantime, I'm going to start writing a new story. I have hundreds of ideas but just need to pick the right ones to go with each other.
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Dy.laneA
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 2:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds good!
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Dy.laneA
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 3:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finished writing part 1 or I tink I did, does it flow better and is easy to read? I read over that short story Shinkai wrote to see how he paced it and tried understanding why it flowed and why mine did not.

Though I never found the answer haha just kept the readability on my mind while i was writing..


       Sweat beaded on my body. It was an unbelievably hot day that the
world around me spoke of, I sighed at there words. The heat drained me.
Due to a long bike ride my breath was still heavy with exhaustion.
I sought refreshment from the faucet on the side of my house.

The water felt good on my skin.

       I returned to my veranda and sat down on one of the two houses placed
there and relaxed. I stretched out and began to manicure my dark blue
figure nails. Thoughts on my life began to wander into my mind.

       The last weeks of middle school had gone by with there own passive
feeling. Being fourteen I was going to a high school that was a 45 min bus
ride from my house.
“Maybe ill meet a few new friends and go out with a few guys.”

I did not think much of the small feat I had reached however, nor did
I have a vision of my self in what seemed like a distant future.
“I think ill just concern my self with what is going on in my life now.”

I had a simple goal to join the girls soccer club in the next coming fall. I giggled.
I wonder what my friends would think of me at the end of the summer. I
estimated with out any knowledge of running that I should be able to jog
10 km flat by the end of the summer. I assumed soccer teams need good runners.

Unknowingly, I began to run my hands over my cell phone and started to fiddle with it. The little device was a lot of things to me.

I took it out and stared at it.

I began to look through the message history. There were messages
saying “hi” and messages saying “bye”. Messages regarding get together
with friends, and messages about the interesting things in their lives, the
good happy things, the bad hurtful things.

There were a few unopened messages dated back to last week that I
had developed a tendency to return to regularly. I lost my self- gazing at them.
“What should I do-”

I paused in thought, not actually making it to where I wanted. I just did
not want him to do this.

My phone rang.

A surprised yelp broke off from me as I snapped out of my trance.
“It’s from you…”


       Anxiety began to grow on me, what was I doing, what was I waiting for?
Relaxing had become tedious. “I-I think ill just leave now…yeah.” I said
eyeing my bike tentatively. I flipped my phone closed and placed it inside
my blue training shorts.

I picked up my bike gently and placed my bag onto the side of my
bike then hesitated, the air seemed different, it felt heavy and hard to
breath. The sun beat down on my body from it’s high point in the sky.

I shifted uneasily. I wondered where the shade was and looked
around. A troubled breath exited my body trying to dispel the anxiety
which lingered in my mind. No particular shade was around.

For a moment I contemplated forgetting about training today and
just return inside, but I did not want to waste my day.  I can’t waste my
day.”

My mind was simple enough to follow this and I got on my bike and kicked
off, leaving my feelings behind me.
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Dy.laneA
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Joined: 27 Jan 2008
Posts: 825



PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Morning came onto me like a ton of bricks. I stretched, rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand then rolled over, staring into my clock. It was the red circular type, glass covering the arms and bolded black numberings. It lay amongst a number of thrown objects on my desk and amongst those were scattered sheets of paper. I was writing a song that I had not told anyone about.
I was unsure about it. What was  I going to do with this song? Was a question I asked my self, but I decided it did not matter. I was making it because it was fun. Bottom line.

The sun beams through my window and I step out. My feet are illuminated from the first step of the day. My legs feel heavy and a dull taste resides in my mouth. My first thought is to brush my teeth.

I walk down the hall and press into the washroom. I inspect my reflection in the mirror. I was a 14 year old going into high school at the end of the summer. Most of the time there's a small smile on my face. Dark brown hair covers my ears half way, but not my neck. Rounded ears, and chin, sincere, tired but alert eye's looked back at me. I was a little shy. But mostly a normal guy.
My brush entered my mouth. Finishing, I then jumped into the shower.

I dried off, and returned to my room, I was unsure what I was going to do today. A common feeling I have during the summer and everyone is gone. But not me, I'm stuck here.

I sat down on my bed still wet. A towel wrapped around the lower half of my body. I wonder why. "It's not like anyone was home."
I laid down staring at the ceiling. A very calm sensation came over me.

Before I knew it, I had fallen asleep.


Last edited by Dy.laneA on Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:46 am; edited 2 times in total
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Dy.laneA
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Joined: 27 Jan 2008
Posts: 825



PostPosted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 6:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your there when he is not.

I feel there's something you desire, something deep in your heart. You see that in him, something that is warm. But when you reach for it you find out it's not really there. Your hand starts to feel cold. So you reach for the warmth. Again. And again. And again.

Your hand is now ice. You then see me. You warm up.

Your warm now so you leave.

I feel cold.

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