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Junpei's Writing
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Junpei
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Joined: 25 Jan 2008
Posts: 873


Location: Australia

PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 12:11 am    Post subject: Junpei's Writing  Reply with quote

I've decided to make my own thread for my stories, don't want to ruin Menasha's thread. >_<

Last edited by Junpei on Mon Mar 03, 2008 1:32 am; edited 2 times in total
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Dy.laneA
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 12:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's not ruined, just more organized to have your own I think haha!
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Junpei
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Joined: 25 Jan 2008
Posts: 873


Location: Australia

PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 1:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've been working on this story these past few days and really wanted to show it to you guys. I did not use names for the characters because I wanted to make them anonymous. Creating names seem to create a whole new life and I can't bear to do that.

Also, it'll be seperated into 3 parts. (I got the idea for this from 5 CM Oukashou. Sue me. Razz)


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 1

There was a slight crackle of static and a moment later a voice sounded over the intercom. "Due to busy hours, the next train will be delayed for an extra fifteen minutes and will arrive approximately at Five-fifteen. We apologise for the inconvenience."

The boy was sitting by himself on a bench a little way apart from the small chattering crowd. Not a care in the world did they have for the late train. Why did it matter? These people have all the time they needed.
He glanced at the overhanging clock on the side of the platform. It was four fifty-seven. Biting down on his lip, he tried to not show his impatience yet inside he was hurting painfully.

Reaching inside his pocket, he took out the letter and slowly opened it for the hundredth time. His eyes skimmed along the lines to the part where it told him the information he needed even though it was pointless, he had read this letter so many times he remembered every word on it.
Being careful to avoid some particular words which might set him off again if he read them, he sought out a certain sentence.
He was to go to "that" place. The secret place where they had always went together during their childhood, away from the noises and rush of the city. And there once again they would meet.

But there was something, something bothering the boy deeply as he looked at the time again. He was anxious, worried, his heart never stopped racing. Only four minutes had passed. Deep down, he knew there wasn't much hope. The trip by train from here would take around forty minutes to get to that station, then a five minute walk to that place promised. By then it would be too late. He gritted his teeth, kept his head down and shivered. It was a cold day with icy winds blowing here and then but that wasn't the reason he shivered. Luckily it had not rained, yet. Hopefully it wouldn't, he thought as he begged the sky silently.

At the bottom of his heart, he still felt hope. There is always hope as long as you can feel it. The delay on the train, the unsuitable weather, nothing would stop him going. It was his last chance. It was their last chance.


Last edited by Junpei on Thu May 01, 2008 7:18 am; edited 2 times in total
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Junpei
VNP 46b-512


Joined: 25 Jan 2008
Posts: 873


Location: Australia

PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 1:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Part 2

The train rattled noisily as it went on its course. The sun had already set and an evening chill was set upon the air. Stronger winds whipped around causing smaller trees on the countryside to sway slightly.

The boy looked up as dim lights finally flickered on inside the train. There wasn't anyone else in his carriage; all the other passengers had got off at their stops. He had been sitting in silence, eyes closed and waiting. Waiting for the train to arrive at the stop he would need to get off. Unfortunately, it was also the last stop on the line so it'll take around forty minutes from the station he got on from.

During the time his mind had been racing furiously of the meeting place. Of her. Of how they both would react when they would finally met again. The special place of their childhood they had spent together so many times. Thinking about it gave him a feeling of nostalgia the first time he had set eyes on the place.

It was a small hill in the countryside, covered and surrounded by thick bushes and low but spacious trees, a small river at the bottom ran along side of it. At the top of the hill was a small clearing with a drop down a steep cliff. That small clearing was a secret place. Together they had always met each other there by themselves, in the straight distance low mountains were visible which they gazed onto with a comforting calmness and sometimes during the night, the moon reflected past the mountains on the river creating a beautiful scenery. The stars would seem to blink and share secrets. And they would talk. Everything that cannot be spoken to others was exchanged through each other here. Their thoughts, their feelings, the warmth of being together flowed fiercely overcoming any darkness within. It was a feeling they both treasured truly.
Something was pattering on the windows making a continuous humming voice. Distracted, the boy once again looked up. It was starting to rain. He stood up suddenly, went over to the nearest window and tried to look outside but the cold chill had made the windows misty. As he lifted his arm to wipe away the fog, a deep male’s voice suddenly broke the silence apart from the pit-pat of the rain. It was the driver of the train. "Attention passengers. Due to some technical problems, we will be stopping for a while. It may take twenty to thirty minutes. We are sorry for the wait and will try to fix the problem as soon as possible."
The boy's heart skipped a beat. This is not happening, this is not happening, screamed his mind. He was already having the risk of being late but if he waited, there will be no doubt he definitely will be. In sudden anger he slammed his clenched fist against the window. He was not going to wait. The window had an open, close sliding handle and if he managed to open it far enough, he could squeeze outside.

As the train slowed to a halt, he grabbed the handle and pulled it open with all his strength. It was quite difficult, being windows that probably hadn't been opened for years. When he thought it was wide enough he climbed up on the seat and lifted a leg over the window. Luckily he was strong enough to hoist himself up. Cursing the train, he squeezed with all his might through the window and managed to land safely on the tracks. It was now raining quite heavily so he lifted his jacket over his head and started to run. He knew this area well, the station was near and by running will only take a few minutes to get there. In seconds he was all wet and when he finally reached the station he was completely soaked. Not that he cared; he rushed over to the clock on the platform with dread in his heart. Six-thirteen.

He made it up to their secret place in less than two minutes which would usually take five minutes if he ran. He had fallen. His nose was bleeding, his right knee was cut and he had his jacket had been abandoned as he sprinted all the way up the hill not caring whatever injury he caused himself. He had seen the letter to him slip out of his pocket, caught by the wind and fly away, lost forever. But only one thought stayed on his mind, but despite everything he knew. He knew it was too late. Not knowing why he went on, eyes fully wet, from both the rain and unstoppable stream of tears, he still went on.

The clearing had been overgrown with inactivity. Loose branches, leaves and new vegetation growing were everywhere. The rain cleared away all signs if she had been here at all. Yet he knew she had been here just over fifteen minutes ago. Knowing this, it gave him a new burden of sadness over the anger and sadness he already occupied. It was too much. He was too late. She was gone. Not caring about anything anymore, he released all his feelings at once, sank into the mud and screamed into the night.


Last edited by Junpei on Thu May 01, 2008 7:18 am; edited 3 times in total
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Junpei
VNP 46b-512


Joined: 25 Jan 2008
Posts: 873


Location: Australia

PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 1:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Part 3 (Final)

The sun shone brightly in the cloudless sky. A few trees nearby rustled softly made by a light breeze. Somewhere in the distance, birds called to each other.

A pair of young kindergarteners made their way home alongside the rail track. They had just finished school and were singing together the song they had learnt today. Hands held, swinging up and down, chanting the verses, they walked their usual route.

Suddenly the girl cut off singing and stopped. "Hey look over there, what's that?"
The boy who had been so into it stopped also and looked confused. His eyes followed to where she was pointing at. The girl broke off their clasped hands and hurried over to the object she had discovered.
It was an old piece of paper. Judging by its look, it had turned hard and dirty by getting wet and then drying again. Disappointed, she started to turn back but something about it caught her attention. She picked it up as the boy came up to her. "Why are you picking up rubbish?" he asked curiously.
"I don't know, I don't know how to read yet but it looks like it's very important," replied the girl. It was true. Though she couldn't read, the way the slightly smudged words were written somehow made her feel like it was important. The boy shook his head. "Don't be silly, it's just rubbish paper. Come on let's go, my mum said I can invite you for dinner today."
Hesitating for a second, the girl stood up decided he was right, it was just useless piece of paper. She left it back on the round and placed her hand in his once again as they continued on their way. As birds started chirping again, they both started singing their recited song again together.

A stronger breeze came up and caught the piece of paper in its path. The rain-washed handwriting was fading and someone seeing it would have a difficult time being able to read it.
The wind carried it up, it paused a split second in the air as the current change directions and the lonely words on the letter seem to whisper its final message before being swept away…

’Hello,
It's been a long time hasn't it? A lot has happened to me these past five years and I'm sure it's the same with you too.
Something big has come to me and I cannot refuse. My life, there is still so much to come, so much to experience.
I will be going overseas to study aboard and live there for a while. My flight leaves on the seventeenth of December and after that we might never see each other again.
But, I really want to see you one last time. My heart cries, longing to see you. Your smile, your eyes, your voice. I feel as though I am a bit selfish.
Before I leave, I want to return all these feelings and start new.
That way, neither of us would hurt anymore.
But, there is something that will never leave me. Your kindness, your warmth, the feeling that we had once been together and, loved each other...
I want to see you once more. I want our final meeting be at "that" place.
I'll wait until six PM on the sixteenth, my last day. After six, we would have made our decisions and keep it that way and I will leave. If you decide to not come, it's fine. I understand.
We had fun together in our childhood, I was really happy. You made me feel truly alive.
This is where we head for our separate lives.
This is farewell.’


Last edited by Junpei on Thu May 01, 2008 7:38 am; edited 2 times in total
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Dy.laneA
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 3:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it, I hope you will develop the story more. (Forgive me for being critical... I'm just critical alot I like helping people out! But if it's one thing I've learned about anything creative is input from other's really helps you improve!

I think the story needs to be fixed up in some area's though. Like for example I think people may feel a little frustration towards the city if trains were delayed because it was busy.

When I think of busy I think of rush hour and that means there just more trains!

Unless the train is a different type of train I'm thinking of the trains in cities used to get around, maybe make that more clear for everyone.

You will need to explain this secret place as well and just what it is and why they go there. Perhapses in a flashback?


I think part one needs more work though, even the ending seemed like it was not enough for me. "There is always hope as long as you can feel it." I think that could be expanded as well.

I think I'm going to do some more writing tonight didn't do any this weekend! But I read over what I wrote and it seems like it's not a good way to start it, I should expand on a few things before!
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Junpei
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Joined: 25 Jan 2008
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Location: Australia

PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 6:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's alright to be a cittic, that way I can know what I need improving on.

Well I finished but there's something missing I feel...
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Dy.laneA
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 6:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok ill read!
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Dy.laneA
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 7:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok well I can not say what is missing becuase I'm not the writer you are! But ill give you what advice I can. When I feel something is missing ill just let it sit for awhile in the back of my mind. Be it hours or days. But just keep thinking about what you wanted the story to be and I think slowly it will come out.

Also remeber everything you use in your story has to be a purposeful choice.  Keeping there name's anonomise is a purposeful choice. Think of how these things make the story stronger.

For example think of why you want this boy to be waiting on a train, why are they meeting there, why is it raining, why is the girl not there,why does he feel this way, why. Well you get the point, everything in a story must have a point and must add to the story.

I mean for example in the movie 5 Centimeters, the novle expands SOOOOOOO much more on the third episode but sadly they had to really really realllllly cut it short.

Shinkai must have wanted to tell everything, but he can't so he needs to make the best purposeful choices he can to get his message across and he did a fine job I think!

I'm just saying remember you can not fit everything into one story, "That's what my teacher said about my art about a year ago."
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Junpei
VNP 46b-512


Joined: 25 Jan 2008
Posts: 873


Location: Australia

PostPosted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 12:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Been working on my latest story and if perhaps the longest yet, far from finished, each night I sit for hours trying to put things together. This morning it took me 2 hours to write only 1 sentence... (Maybe because I get distracted very easily when in my room)

I'll just give out a quick overall summary of the story first.

The story is named 'The 1000th Summer' for it takes place 1000 years before present today. The setting is in feudal Japan where a young princess, aged around 19-20 manages to escape capture with two skilled samurai as her personal servants.

One is a middle-aged man who is highly experienced with the outside world, the other only a few years older than herself who she has an infatuation with.

They flee out into the wild with troops always on their pursuit. The princess has rarely been out of her home castle so she always needs them to take full care of her as she is practically defenseless out there.
She always irritates the older one with her cheek and is surprisingly gentle when it comes to the one she likes.

One day the younger servant comes back from searching for food and tells the other a large group of their enemy are on their trail and he had been in a fight but led them away from where they were.

A few days later, the troops finally corners them and the two samurai are forced into a heavy fight. They manage to kill all of them but the younger samurai receive deadly wounds and dies. The princess is devastated by losing someone she had finally learnt to love.
In his last words he addressed the princess by her name and had her promise to live on.

After that she becomes a new mature person and starts a new life somewhere else, nobody knowing she is actually the princess to the throne.



Last edited by Junpei on Sat May 10, 2008 7:38 am; edited 2 times in total
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